LOVE BETTER — why we fail at relationships

I’ve recently been thinking a lot about love and relationships, and have been talking to a lot of people about it. Especially about what…

I’ve recently been thinking a lot about love and relationships, and have been talking to a lot of people about it. Especially about what it takes to make true love relationships work and why so many fail. I just wanted to share my reflections, hoping they can help you, too.

If not, never mind. :)

Alain de Botton writes in The Course of Love that “we have allowed our love stories to end way too early. We seem to know far too much about how love starts, and way too little about how it might continue.” And, “what we typically call love is only the beginning of love.”

In my experience, he is right. It’s easy to enjoy the seemingly effortless phase of “being madly in love”, while it is much harder to give love the space, time and exploratory freedom to make mistakes so it can grow and deepen. It is only when we are required (and ready!) to leave our comfort zones — emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and spiritually — that love and relationships can truly grow. I think that we all intuitively understand that, but we very quickly become blind to that fact once we’re coming closer to the edge of our own comfort zone. And then, we cringe and back off.

In his amazing book The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm talks about the “… confusion between the initial experience of ‘falling’ in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, ‘standing’ in love.”

According to Fromm, love is the result of continuous effort, not just a sensation.

One of Fromm’s most interesting insights is how strongly people are misusing, or even abusing, love for their own selfish (“narcissistic”) reasons.

“The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one’s narcissism. The narcissistic orientation is one in which one experiences as real only that which exists within oneself, while the phenomena in the outside world have no reality in themselves, but are experienced only from the viewpoint of their being useful or dangerous to one. The opposite pole to narcissism is objectivity; it is the faculty to see other people and things as they are, objectively, and to be able to separate this objective picture from a picture which is formed by one’s desires and fears.”

This is a striking observation. In simple words, this means that true love, as a basis for forming deep and lasting relationships, requires the ability to see other people as they are, and not just in relationships to one’s own desires and fears. Fromm goes on to say that this is hard work (especially in love relationships, probably much more than in many other relationships, private or professional).

It requires courage to honestly explore another person and understand who they are, what they believe in, what their values are, and not just see them “… from the viewpoint of their being useful or dangerous to one”.

Fromm says that

“I must try to see the difference between my picture of a person and his behavior, as it is narcissistically distorted, and the person’s reality as it exists regardless of my interests, needs and fears.”

What he basically tells us is that we often form a picture of our partner and what they say and do based on what is going on within us, and what we believe would serve us, with all the confusion attached to it — and not how they truly are.

Again, it seems to be key that I detach my own interests, needs and fears — at least temporarily — from how I experience and truly get to know my partner, so I can understand who he or she is and allow this being into my life without the anxiety of them taking something away from me, while, at the same time, deciding to enter this being’s life without expectations or reservations.

Only then can we create a meaningful connection that is based on more than just affection. Only then can we begin to form a relationship that is based on more than the similarities we experience at the beginning and that make us feel good and safe. I believe that a connection that exists despite differences — or because of them — is much stronger, more durable and more fulfilling for both partners in the long-term. But creating such a connection takes a lot of time and effort, and, at some point, will inevitably be highly uncomfortable.

Going back to Alain de Botton’s observation from above, this is likely where many love relationships end way too early. Probably because we don’t feel ready to leave our comfort zones, our own intellectual, emotional and spiritual bubbles that feel so comforting.

Fromm tells us that people tend to believe that true love and great relationships need to be without conflict, without sadness, without disappointment, and with eternal, unquestioned and automatic understanding. However, we need conflicts, doubt, differences, and misunderstandings so we can resolve them together in a form of catharsis, grow together and rise with a stronger bond than before. But this works only if we are willing and able to experience our felt distance as part of our inner realities that need attention, care, openness, and willingness to be explored together — and the ability to offer all of that to your partner.

We way too often and way too quickly tell ourselves how we somehow just “don’t make a really good match with our partner” — long before we actually went through the process of finding out how a “really good match” could look like.

We back off because we feel uncomfortable, thinking that our discomfort is a bad sign — when, in reality, it is maybe just a sign that we need to go more into contact with the person that we care about and decide to let go of our delusional idea of a relationship that is harmonious on all important levels at all times. Again, the deep, true, and lasting connection we really want to have with someone needs to be established over time. And somehow we know this is true. And yet, we so often run away from the effort required to do just that — and don’t even try.

When we read about these ideas, we usually respond with “yes, that is so true — and I will do that/I am doing that.” But, of course, the real challenge lies not in understanding any of this, but in living it. That is why Fromm calls it the art of loving. It requires practice, self-awareness and, maybe most of all, brutal honesty toward oneself, to realize when one is not giving one’s partner the fair and curious, interested, open-minded and deeply caring attention he or she deserves.

We need to be brutally open and honest toward ourselves to notice and acknowledge when we are “abusing” our partner for our own selfish emotional needs and when we are not really putting in the effort that is required to really make a relationship — and essentially, love — work. It requires us to let go of our ego for a moment to see that we are using our partner as an object that must satisfy our needs instead of seeing them as a unique being we truly want to explore, get to know, love, and care for. Maybe it is only through this honest caring, exploring, putting in the effort, and summing up the courage to manage conflict that we can build the connection we’re dreaming about with another person — above and beyond the initial spark of falling in love or sharing certain interests and beliefs.

To me, one of the most powerful quotes from Fromm’s The Art of Loving is this:

“The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”

I think love can make us feel insecure because it involves us emotionally in differences and conflict. Conflicts between what we believe and perceive and what another person believes and perceives. But it is when we are in a love relationship that this gets hard to deal with at times, especially when we feel at eye level with another person. If we are instead taking on the role of a caretaker (e.g. with our children, with clients in a professional context, or as a personal mentor), or that of the one being taken care of (e.g. with our parents or other mentors we look up to), it is much easier for us to tolerate and appreciate the differences we experience. Because it is clear to us that we either are the ones providing guidance or the ones receiving it. And both give us a sense of security of what to expect.

However, in a love relationship at eye level, it is not at all clear what to expect. At times, we might be the ones providing guidance to our partner, at other times, we might be the ones receiving guidance (which we often interpret as an invasion of our own mental world). And there is everything in between, from agreeing to disagree to accepting that we simply don’t know enough of each other (yet) to make an assumption, or worse, a judgment.

Famous and influential poet and feminist Adrienne Rich once wrote that

“… a human relationship … is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.”

Again, relationships (and what they are about) can (and will!) get uncomfortable at points. They have to. Otherwise, we could never grow together.

Erich Fromm also talks about how we so often create dysfunctional types of relationships. In one type we expect symmetry, in another type we expect completion (“teamwork”). Both can’t lead to deep and lasting connection because we are reducing our partner’s worth to how well he or she functions in their role of supporting us and our beliefs, desires, interests, and fears.

Looking for symmetry is a sign of not being able to tolerate differences, especially in areas where it can get uncomfortable. We expect our partner to see the world how we see it, to always understand us, to feel the same way about things, to have the same opinions — “at least where it really matters”. We see this as a necessity to form a meaningful and lasting bond. In reality, we are just reducing the other person to how well he or she can reassure our pre-existing picture of the world and don’t allow them to enrich it — because we feel threatened when they poke us.

Looking for completion is a sign of not being able to handle one’s own strengths and weaknesses well enough. We expect our partner to serve us in areas where we can’t serve ourselves, and pull back in areas where we feel strong and capable. In this case, we are reducing our partners worth to how well he or she can support us when we need it, while, at the same time, letting us have our way whenever we want to. Essentially, this is similar to not allowing our partner to unfold their whole being beside us — not realizing that support can only truly emerge if we allow the person we “love” to enter our world with everything they are. And there will always be parts that feel distant or uncomfortable if they remain unexplored together.

According to Fromm, we can only build a true and meaningful connection if we “experience each other from the center of our own existence.” He says that the love we can then experience is alive, a constant challenge, not a place of rest and stillness. It requires us to move, to grow and to work together — regardless of if there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness.
This gives us the courage and trust needed to be open about conflicts and seeming differences. So we can explore them together while being open-minded, yet still do not feel threatened in our own self-identity and self-worth.

And yet, it is obvious that there can in fact exist differences between people that will make it hard or even impossible to build a loving relationship and a special bond with someone.

I think having similar values, a similar vision for the world, a shared understanding of how you want to treat other people, and what you regard as good and bad, right or wrong is really important, maybe even non-negotiable.

But everything that goes beyond that, what we do as a job, what ideas we like to think about intellectually, how we approach challenges, the way we express ourselves, how we deal with stress and anger, the tools we use to impact the people around us — maybe none of that is really that crucial, and we are only using it as excuses to flee from discomfort. Sure, we need to agree on a way to live our lives together, but the possible solutions can’t be limited to “you have to see and do everything how I like and know it.”

Taking all of Fromm’s and de Botton’s insights seriously, we probably judge way too quickly what the true and really crucial differences are and if they really exist the way we perceive them (perception is not observation). Or if they rather are the result of our own inability to step outside our emotional and spiritual comfort zone and our lack of courage to explore another person -without anchoring what we find to what we believe we want and need from them.

And that is really, really hard, for everyone.

Based on my own experiences, as well as on what I’ve learned from people who have a loooot more experience with (true) love and (deep) relationships than I do, I come to believe more and more that searching for a person who is “similar enough” to you or who “shares enough interests” is a dead end.

I think we’re under the illusion that loving someone and having a strong connection is easy once you “find the right person.” And that right means that they need to be similar to you in enough “important” ways and that you understand each other without even trying. We think that right means that we just have a connection.

But maybe it’s much more about finding a suitable partner who you can build the right partnership with.

Maybe a suitable partner is the one who is willing to build and continuously invest into a lasting connection with you, knowing that it takes work, completely regardless of how strongly you click in the beginning and/or in certain areas.

Maybe a suitable partner is the one who is willing to go beyond your outer surface and wants to explore what makes you you — to find out what your inner reality is and how you both can merge them.

Maybe a suitable partner is the one who will allow you and her- or himself to make mistakes along the way.

Maybe a suitable partner is the one who is different from you and sometimes doesn’t understand you so easily — but knows how to work on it and wants to evolve as your partner in a way that serves both of you.

Maybe a suitable partner is the one who tells you that he or she wants to really get to you know you and means it — knowing that this is never an easy task if you go deep.

Maybe a suitable partner is the one who works to establish the spiritual and emotional connection with you that both of you so desperately want.

Maybe a suitable partner is the one who is willing to let go of their desire to feel secure and reinforced all the time (although that feels good in the short-term).

Maybe a suitable partner is the one who is none of the above yet, but wants to become that partner, and wants to help you to become that partner, too.

The great Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh said something very powerful.

“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love.”

I have been on both sides of this, at the same time. I know just how true this really is. It hurts deeply to be at the receiving end, but I would even say that it equally hurts to realize that you don’t know how to love well enough and are therefore wounding the person you care about so much.

So maybe the suitable partner you need is the one who is willing and capable to explore and learn, together with you, how to love well enough so that you can overcome and go through everything that will inevitably be thrown in front of you over time.

This is where my reflection ends — and where I am reminded about how much I still have to learn myself about all of this. :)

If you have any thoughts on this or would like to share your personal experiences with me, just comment. I would highly appreciate it!

Love,
Phil
philhagspiel.com

P.S.: If you haven’t yet, read The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. If you have, re-read it. And when you read it, continuously try to reflect on yourself and your own behaviors, patterns, actions in your current or past relationship. Try to be honest to yourself, at least for a moment, when no one’s looking ;). I’m sure you will uncover a lot of what you can work on and improve in that will benefit not only you but also the person you love. And if you do have a person you love by your side, share it with them and ask them to work and evolve together. I believe this matters more than anything else you can wish for in a partnership.